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"Hey! Aren`t you that guy from the village people?" - Me, to every cop who pulls me over
Finger Prints on Super Bowl Trophy to be used in dozens of criminal investigations
thinks my life is becoming a very complicated drinking game.
The next person I hear say “I love fall” is getting choked out with a scarf soaked in pumpkin spice latte.
Me asking if you want anything from Starbucks is my way of telling you I am going to be very, very late
You`d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their butt in the mirror they would be able to parallel park.
You don`t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
If you ain`t laughin, you ain`t livin!
If people in horror movies listened to me, they would still be alive.
I just found out my smoke detector comes with a warranty. WHAT FOR? If it don`t work, what`s left?
It`s so awkward when you get texted to come over and you have to pretend like you weren`t already inside their house.
I tell my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Sidenote #2: Always have your middle finger ready on standby.
For some reason I`m an extremely secretive person. Don`t ask me why
They always say "love makes the world go around"... They spelled beer wrong.