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I’m starting to think plates are called china because most of them look the same.
They say when life gives you lemons….but what if life hands you a rather large banana? What then, my friend? What then?
I think all priuses are gay transformers living here on earth
When I see people drinking at 11 am on a Friday I`m like, where do you work and are they hiring?
Someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
I simply haven’t seen enough solid evidence that suggests not drinking is better than drinking.
I think my problem is that I have really fantastic bad ideas...
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Not one back to school special on beer. What kind of world do we live in.
No, whenever there`s trouble, YOU always seem to be around ... officer.
Today`s the day I like to sneak onto the intercom at Walmart and say "would Jason Voorhees please report to aisle 13."
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
My exercise routine needs to include a little more than opening difficult pistachios.
The waitress asked if I was done with that, I said yes but I`m married to it.
I will literally spend $20 on food but won’t buy a $20 shirt.