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According to astronomy, when you wish upon a star, You`re actually a few million years late. That star is dead, just like your dreams.
"I`m single and ready to mingle"..oh god, is this why I`m still single, cuz I say sh!t like that?
I`m a wealth of knowledge ... Unless you want it to be true, then I`m pretty solid on about 6 topics ... 2 of those might just be Doritos flavors
My neighbors don`t appreciate it when I skip along the property line, singing "This Land is My Land."
People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that. Thank you for asking.
What happens in Vegas never happens to me
Here Comes Honey Boo Boo has been canceled. In other news, my faith in humanity has been restored.
I`m not saying I can perform miracles or anything, but when the Taco Bell employee isn`t looking,, I can turn water into Sprite.
If someone tells you `I love you` but you don`t feel the same way and don`t wanna make it awkward just say `I love YouTube` really fast
I`ve decided to add more positivity in my life. So, now when I say someone`s an a@#hole, I qualify it with......... but he`s really good at it...........and I`m positive about that!
May your life someday be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
Good for you, people that do things.
Stop leaving me messages. If I ever wanted to talk to you again, I wouldn’t have borrowed all that money.
Remember when you thought you’d have it all together by the time you were the age you are now? LOL
When someone tells you they`re playing a STD game... But you later realise they were talking about Spot The Difference.