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Hello 911? Do you think i`m pretty?
Such a relief when things I`ve been meaning to do become things I meant to do but now it`s too late.
It`s just a mater of time before bathrooms will eventually be called Selfie Rooms
I accidentally called 911, so I set my house on fire so I wouldn`t look stupid.
Dear Mother Nature, I would like to cancel my monthly subscription please… Urs Sincerely, 100% OF ALL WOMEN IN THE WORLD!
They should paint the bottom of swimming pools with satellite photos so it feels like you’re flying.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn`t doing the same thing.
I`m not saying I can perform miracles or anything, but when the Taco Bell employee isn`t looking,, I can turn water into Sprite.
If Santa doesn`t bring me something good I`m going to pee in his lap like I did when I was eight.
I`m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Wish some of my co workers weren`t allowed in the break room... Because that`s who I usually need a break from.
If the shoe fits . . . buy one in every color
There`s a warning light on my dashboard of a vague exclamation point. It`s like when my girlfriend was mad at me and she wouldn`t say why.
Most days I think I understand women, but then the alcohol wears off.