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I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of the plane...
Why can’t the shower just naturally keep itself clean?
I`m sorry I hurt your feelings. When I called you stupid, I really thought you already knew.
I`m not ignoring you, I am simply giving you time to reflect on what an idiot you are being.
How to live a happy life: 1)Do whatever you want 2)Don`t worry 3)Eat whatever you want 4)Don`t take advice from strangers on the internet
Would you be a deer and run out in front of my car for me?
Live life to its fullest even if that means eating everything in the fridge
Ohh sh!t, my b!tch button is stuck.
When a cashier asks if you have a loyalty card just sigh and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
"I`m not drunk" - Biggest Friday Night Lie.
hmmmm...halo or horns today??
One day I shall rule the World! Until then, I am going to bed. Good Night :D
Being sick is your bodies way of saying “Hey, you really need to catch up on some TV”.
Facebook should make it to where it says, `Went from being in a relationship` to `Problem solved.`
I broke up with my girlfriend by e-mail. I don`t know what upset her most, the fact that I did it by email or the fact that I cc`d my new girlfriend who wanted proof.