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If the human race has a "signature move," its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.
I`m thinkin` Dodgeball........... but with random people..........who don`t know they are playing.............
Who cares how I got inside your house. What matters is that we`re together now.
When I say "It’s a long story," it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
Mom: You haven`t moved since I left 5 hours ago? Me: Excuse me, where do you think these chips came from!!???
The guy who invented the Time Machine has just died.... RIP DAVE JONES 2187-2014
Rick Ross be rapping about cars he can`t even fit in.
You’ve never truly lived until someone has posted a sign because of something you’ve done.
I laugh in the face of normal.
I shake my bottled water so the H`s & O`s are evenly distributed.
Drinking doesn’t make me post better Facebook status updates; it just makes me not care what you think of them…
Based on the number of smoke breaks they take, I’m pretty sure the only reason my co-workers have a job is to pay for their cigarettes.
Don`t cry because it`s over. Smile because it happened. -Me, to my empty pizza box
If women kept their feelings to themselves would they explode? Guess we`ll never know.