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McDonald`s should have a 3rd window, where you can trade in all the wrong sh!t they gave you at the second window.
Whoever lost a bundle of $20 bills tied up in a rubber band..I found the rubber band..
Opposites attract, that’s the trouble with being awesome.
The only people who care about my college degree are the college loan people.
Did you know that if you light a candle under the moonlight and you say 3 times the name of the person you love, you will look really stupid doing that!
If you don’t cuss when you drive you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Just found a shopping list in this cart that said, "Beer, wine, crap like that", so apparently my soulmate is still out there.
I’m pretty much always down for a snack.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Ohh sh!t, my b!tch button is stuck.
I liked you a lot more before I met you.
Today`s Horoscope: You`re gullible
My favorite holiday spirit is poured over ice.
The first 30 years of childhood are always the hardest.
If it wasn`t for claustrophobia, lack of intelligence, and my intense fear of floating poop, I would`ve made a great astronaut.