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Vodka is just amazing water.
The sun isn`t the only thing that rises in the morning...if you know what I mean ;)
At any given time, my wallet is worth more than it’s contents.
Hi can you fill this prescription please? Sir this is just a post-it note with `give me the good stuff` written on it.
Pretty sure autocorrect and Siri talk shit about me behind my back.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed.
One out of every 4 Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they´re okay, then it´s you.
On a scale of one to crazy, how many cats do you have?
All of my selfies are just still shots from surveillance footage.
Half of my day is just me screaming profanities at an electronic device.
You know its Monday when your left eye wont open and your right eye is twitching.
If you`re in WalMart and you`re holding in a fart, just remember, YOU`RE IN WALMART!!
Living with a child is like using a blender with no lid...
Beautiful people are more beautiful when surrounded by ugly people
We live in a time where "He is hot" is more important than "He is a nice guy."