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Honesty is the best policy, unless you`re trying to return something that you`ve already worn.
One quality I`m not looking for in a partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm. #FarmVille
that awkward moment when you`re scuba diving and you see Adele rolling in the deep.
Remember years ago when we didn`t have facebook and we had to take pictures of our food and get the film developed at the chemist get all your friends round your house and show them what you have been eating ...the good old days
Got kicked out of the hospital. Apparently the “head nurse” is just the one in charge of the other nurses.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Sometimes I think, "Screw this, I will just be a stripper." Then I remember I am fat and I can`t dance.
My personal fast food philosophy: If nobody knows you went to McDonald`s, you didn`t really go to McDonalds.
What`s worse to have stuck in your head; a knife or All About That Bass?
The smaller the town, the bigger the sex cult.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
I can’t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
I`d care more about your feelings if they came with a toy and chicken nuggets.
I don´t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
I had this awesome dream last night where Facebook went down and most of you went on a killing spree.