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My spirit animal is that chicken who keeps crossing the road for reasons no one can figure.
Maybe the reason Uncle Phil hated Will was because the first thing Will gave him was a $3700 cab ride bill from Philly to Bel-Air.
Video games are cool because they let you experience fantastical power-fantasies. for example in The SIMS you have a job and a house.
You should probably take everything I say with a grain of salt. And lime. And shot of tequila.
Did you know that running for just 10 minutes a day raises your risk of posting inspirational quotes by 63%?
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
People are making Rapture jokes like there`s no tomorrow.....
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
"We`d be rich if you just said one f*cking word" - me, drunk, talking to my dog
I just want you to be happy…and maybe a little bit naked.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station`s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
All I`m saying is there`s a reason all the best love songs have the word crazy in them.
If you walk a mile in my shoes the least you can do is leave a pair of yours to wear.
Sometimes I listen to strangers conversations and mentally give my opinion
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.