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The guy below me obviously doesn`t know that R2-D2 is in movies, not television
Just once I would like to read a warning label that says "May cause permanent weight loss, remove wrinkles, and increase energy."
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
How to know you have a sunburn: Smack the spot. If you scream in pain, its a sunburn
"10 Totally Epic Reasons Why You`re Going Straight to Hell" - 2013 version of Ten Commandments
I think I could be a farmer. Except for the dirt, waking up early, wearing overalls and planting crops. But I wouldn’t mind driving a tractor around.
I`m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Life is not fair. But life is not fair for everyone, which actually makes it fair.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Men are great listeners when you have big boobs ;)
An empty web browsing history is a sure sign of guilt.
Vegetarian is an old Native American word for bad hunter.
To all those that now have a DUI, domestic violence charge or one less finger... Happy 5th of July
Yes, I streaked once on a dare ... all the rest of the times though were just for fun