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If your Facebook post requires me to hit “continue…” get a diary.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the a$$holes asked me to turn it down.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I`m hiring her as my personal trainer.
I`m pretty sure some of you just drag your face across the keyboard and hit send.
My new home security sign : "EBOLA QUARANTINE" - Deters salesman, thieves, and neighbors.
When God closes a door, it usually has my fingers in it.
Life is so much funnier if you have a dirty mind
A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want 2 impress that beautiful girl , which machine can I use?" Trainer replies: "Use the ATM"
The monent of triumph when your bag is the first off the plane.
I wish I had the kind of life my spam folder thinks I have!
I don`t understand fat poor people. What are you eating? Broken hopes and dreams?
Driving to work would be so much better if I didn’t always end up at work.
Well, it`s easy to tell I`m single. It`s Saturday night and I`m at home updating my facebook status...
I knew we would be the best of friends when you said drinks are on you
Wait, whaddya mean... cookie dough can be baked? Seriously?