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My brain is giving me the silent treatment
You’re not an easy person to like….I like that about you.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I have a million dollar idea that I will share with the first million people to send me a dollar.
I was all depressed last night, so I called "Lifeline". Got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck
My worst ideas have all either started or ended with having no pants on.
You say I’m not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I’m not cold, I’m hot. I know I’m hot. Thanks for embracing it.
Flu (noun) - The only time when having used tissues laying next to your bed is socially acceptable.
Girls with tattoos on your tits, Why? We`re already looking at them.
Secretly replaced the bacon with beggin` strips. Let`s see if the customers notice.
It`s amazing how much us guys complain about women and then fully trust them with our pen!ses in their mouth.
What doesn`t kill you, makes you stronger... except for lions, lions will definitely kill you.
Growing up we were so poor. If I wasn`t a boy I would have had nothing to play with.
I hate when I`m admiring my good looks from a car`s window reflection and the people inside think I`m staring at them.
I read that India launched a rocket to Mars the other day. That seems like a strange place to put a call center?