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Of course size matters. No one wants a small pizza
You know it`s been a good day when you finally take your pajamas off - and put some new ones on.
The beauty of vodka is that it looks like water. The beauty of the workplace is that water bottles are allowed.
We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.
How do amish girls know if its a romantic candle lit dinner or just a regular candle lit dinner.
If life is a Bitch, then why hasn´t it made me a Sandwich?
Shout out to weathermen telling us the barometric pressure like we know what the hell to do with that information.
My girlfriend called me lazy the other day. I almost responded.
Whoever snuck the s in “fast food” is a clever person.
Paused Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory to go buy a Snickers. This is why I can`t watch Breaking Bad.
If you don’t count any of my failures, I’m quite successful.
They should just block cell phone service in movie theaters. Problem solved.
Be the type of gentleman that holds the door open for your girl, but smacks her ass as she walks in.
You say hangover. I say out of booze.
This getting older thing really sucks. These days my eyes are so bad I have to buy the Large Print edition of Alphabet Soup.