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363 shopping days `til Christmas and some people already have their lights up.
The olympics is the only time when you hear "Great execution by North Korea" and it seems okay.
You can`t fight Destiny. Because if you try to fight Destiny, then you have to fight the bouncers and the rest of the strippers too...
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
If it`s really the thought that counts, we`re ALL screwed. LOL ;)
I’d be unstoppable if it wasn’t for law enforcement and physics.
Holidays are a lot of fun until you realize you`ve been dating the ugly sister
My date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Never underestimate a woman`s ability to make you feel responsible and guilty for her mistakes.
The best thing about the internet is knowledge. You have all this knowledge at your fingertips! And we get to share what we learn with others! Oh...wait a second. I forgot about porn. OK I take it back. PORN is the best thing about the internet!
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
The secret to dancing is pretending you have a wedgie and you’re trying to get it unstuck without using you’re hands.
Bank called asking if my credit card had been stolen. They were concerned because it hadn`t been used at the liquor store since Friday.
I`m on my 5th coffee, just in case you`re wondering about the "other way" to get to Narnia .
My rabbit died yesterday… Now he’s just some bunny that I used to know…