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" a fool and his money ----- are never around when you need a loan......"
There`s a time and place for wine, In my hand and now.
Testing.. Testing.. This is a test. If this were an actual ploy for attention.. I would`ve said "bacon" or "boobies."
Jerry: Tom, you are a genius!.. Tom: Yeah, I am called that a lot... Jerry: What? Genius?... Tom: No, `Tom`
"Waiter, I`d like to send this back" -m`am, I believe that`s your husband.
I hate buying feminine products! How am I supposed to know if this is the right kind of broom or not?
You`d think he`d be better at this with all the porn he watches
My friends had a surprise party for me last night, well I called it a surprise party they called it an intervention.
How do I like my eggs? ... Ummm, in a cake
When I get a prescription for drugs, I don`t ask, `Will it work? Are there any side effects?` No, it`s `Can I drink with these?`
With my background and genetics, you guys should be happy I am half as normal as I am.
My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night… So I said I had a headache.
Your pants say yoga but your a$$ says McDonalds!!
Sometimes I just bang my head on the keyboard and hope words form.
Million Dollar Idea: A restaurant that offers Coke and Pepsi....