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Steve Jobs is now working with God to make iWife... Beauty with brains and Mute button
Your license plate should be your phone number... So when you drive like a dumbass, I can let you know about it.
Judge me if you will, just keep the verdict to yourself.
If you can’t afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don’t know where you are!
I was playing catch phrase with my family and the phrase I got was `pearl necklace` .. And then I ruined family time...
I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. “My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl.”
I`m so broke right now that if someone tried to rob me, they`d just be practising..
When I go through an automated car wash I close my eyes, because it`s easier to pretend I`m in a car that way.
The decline of civilization started when they stopped putting toys in boxes of cereal.
A smart man washes his hands after he pees. A wise man doesn`t pee on his fingers.
I`m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Redneck WORD OF THE DAY: WATER My girlfriend gets mad and I don`t even know water problem is!
I will pay good money to anyone who can take me from work, make it look like an abduction and tuck me back into bed.
The Wizard of Oz is the ultimate chick flick. It`s about two women trying to kill each other over shoes.