Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Is "blowjob" one word or two words? God I hate writing thank you cards. -Bfanch
Did you know that one minute of kissing burns 26 calories? No wonder those sluts are so damn skinny.
I`m the crazy bitch you`ll never forget.
When Life Gives You Lemons Don`t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don`t want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?! Demand to see life`s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I`m the man who`s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I`m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
"Turtle Power" is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
If you think about it,, Batman was pretty lazy about naming all his stuff.
Do you ever feel like you`re in Season 5 of your life, and the writers are just doing outrageous stuff to keep it interesting?
I was planning to do something today, but I haven’t finished doing nothing from yesterday.
Two things you can always be certain about when it comes to women: 1) They`re always cold. 2) It’s somehow your fault.
The girl at the Taco Bell drive thru gave me this “I know your high” look. I snatched my 37 crunchy tacos and got out of there.
Sometimes, the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
If the zombie apocalypse happened in Vegas…would it “stay in Vegas”?
My house is not a mess. It`s just that everything is on display for your viewing pleasure. Like a museum.
What doesn`t kill you, will hopefully try again
If women kept their feelings to themselves would they explode? Guess we`ll never know.