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What happens in Vegas never happens to me.
GF: Does this dress make my a$$ look big? BF: Nope Your A$$ makes the dress look big.
For all the taxes they take out of my paycheck they should at least send me a picture of the broke ass family I support to hang on my fridge.
Types of like on facebook: 1.Stalker like. 2.Crush like. 3.I wanna bang you like. 4.Agree like 5.Pity like.
Sometimes I think, "Screw this, I will just be a stripper." Then I remember I am fat and I can`t dance.
Bring a CD into my car that I "have to hear" and I`ll figure out a way to deploy the passenger side airbags
So what if I`m single now ... I mean it can`t be that hard to boil toast, can it?
If we start calling it `potato juice`, Vodka becomes a health drink. RIGHT?
Alcohol doesn`t make you fat, it makes you lean..........against tables, chairs, walls, and garbage cans.
My mom just sent me a friend request on Facebook! Finally I can use that "I`m not your friend I`m your mother" speech to my advantage.
My boss doesn’t like it when I play slavery songs at work….
30 seconds left on the microwave ~ Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone ~ Men: do the space shuttle countdown
I can`t wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend
Dieting Tip, 1. Make a list of people who have a problem with your weight, 2. Cut them out of your life. 3. Enjoy having lost Hundreds of pounds of Idiots.
Why does the sound of the recliner opening always remind my wife the trash needs to be taken out?