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I’m beginning to believe that successful relationships come down to Netflix compatibility.
Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus.
If I could have dinner with anyone either alive or dead. I would totally choose dead. Because, more food for me then.
I don`t remember anything that happened, but I may have had a drink or two...
Black Friday, because after a day of thankfully stuffing your face, you deserve a deal on purchases you don’t need.
Life`s tough. It`s tougher if you`re stupid...
Nothing screws up your Friday more than realizing it’s only Tuesday.
Scratch and Sniff Here [____] …Smells like glass, doesn’t it
It`s hard to look like a bad-ass when you`re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
My favorite thing around the holidays is being put into a group message with 200 people reply "Who`s This"
Adult movies now available in 3D?!? Some thing I just don`t want to see flying at my face.
"Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it." -Me lying to someone who`s pointing out a constellation
Nothing good ever came from drinking things that are on fire.
You know, rumor has it that the Mona Lisa may have been the first selfie.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you`d be back. I seem to have that effect on people Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave