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We live in an era of smart phones and stupid people.
What do you call a guy who makes "Woman in the Kitchen" jokes? Single.
Tomorrow, history will be made. Months and months of advertisements and anticipation has led up to this historic day. America will see firsthand what is surely to be a historic event, and I am proud to say I will do my part and pick up my copy of Halo 4.
Just ONCE, I`d like to look deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Give a fish something for once for f*cks sake
I don’t necessarily enjoy being the bad influence…but hey, somebody has to do it!
Ever have to poop and your abdominals start to relax just as you near the toilet, and then you notice that `Out of Order` sign or the empty toilet paper dispenser?
Kicking a man while he’s down burns 150 calories.
When you realize that your car matches the one in the Amber Alert.
I hear boomerangs are making a comeback.
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress so that I’ll have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
The only person that can procrastinate more than me hasn`t even been born yet.
I made a huge TO DO list for this weekend. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Dear Autocorrect, She`s an amazing woman not an amazon woman. Thanks. And now I`m never getting laid.
Now that cell phones are becoming more and more waterproof, pretty soon it will be okay to push people into pools again...