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When I was young I dreamed of saving the world, now I just dream of making through each month.
This beer tastes like future mistakes.
It’s 2013, why does good food still have calories.
I poured some shampoo over my speakers today and they blew up... So much for EXTRA VOLUME.
Sometimes I wish you could ask the pharmacist to "make it a double".
Barbie has an awful lot of things for a girl who`s knees don`t bend.
I was on way home this morning when I seen an AA van pulled in and the driver was crying his eyes out. I thought to myself that guy is heading for a breakdown.
I don`t know what is longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
Marijuana is a type of flower, therefore I am a florist not a drug dealer :p
It’s almost 2015, I expect a toaster that pops the bread up in a less terrifying way.
“we should hang out soon” loosely translates to I’m doing everything in my power to end this stupid conversation.
Saw a boat with a sign that read "For Sale" so I added the missing "-ing"......Idiots can`t spell...
Looks don’t matter to me if you’re attractive.
I don`t know about you, but I`ve thought about running away more as an adult than I ever did as a child.
Pro tip: Go the the gym on one of those 1 day free passes, take 365 selfies then post one every day.