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I wish my money would have sex in my wallet and multiply
I was feeling down...then all of a sudden I felt myself up. Win, win situation! ;)
Adulthood is mostly about being tired and wishing you hadn’t made plans.
So I didn`t want to wake up this morning and go to work. It`s not that I don`t like my job, it`s just that I like being lazy more.
I read an article the other day that said, "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic." Thank god I only drink every night
When a couple asks me for directions,I know that the wife is forcing the guy to ask.That`s why I give them wrong ones to teach her a lesson.
Drink till she´s cute, but stop before the wedding
If you get angry, just take deep breaths and count to ten. Unless you`re angry about oxygen and numbers.
If a lesbian c*ckblocks another lesbian, is that considered a beaver dam?
I`ll never understand women. They hate when you ask their age, but get mad if you forget their birthday.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Missing my childhood super-powers, when I could sleep on the couch and wake up in bed.
I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking.
I`m trying to be healthy and grow my own food but I can`t find any Twinkie seeds.
has a drinking problem...I can`t afford it