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I don’t like being told what to do…unless I’m naked.
the dude who posted ”MERRY CHRISTMAS“ has still got his head shoved up the turkeys A$$ it seems...
If your dog weighs less than 10lbs, it`s technically a cat
I’ve made some pretty bad choices in life but I have to admit, having orange juice with Oreos was the worst.
When a cashier asks if you have a loyalty card just sigh and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
Have you ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you´ve had?
Just found out my daughter`s super power is repeating what I`ve said about others as soon as she meets them.
Inspirational status of the day: Don’t be a douche.
The toughest decision I will make today is bottle or draft.
I thought `Pokemon` was a Jamaican Porn... My bad...
I think it has become obvious that medicine companies have no idea what fruit tastes like.
I`m so fresh they call me "ferbreeze"
Self checkout must have been invented by a guy who had to buy tampons.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So I’m off to find a bar with a mirror.
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, "Yes, we`ve met before." So they feel awkward trying to remember me