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I clean my house like everyone else ... 5 minutes before someone comes over.
A lot of you lose your sh!t and have some pretty epic, public meltdowns. I just wanted to say thanks.
FACT: If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
Since I`m getting older I`ve been thinking about my health. Should I work out 2 hrs a day like Jack Lalanne who was 96? Or smoke cigars like George Burns who lived to be 100?
You are wasting your time reading this status.
Weekends are like a orgasm.. It`s takes a lot to get there and when u finally do it`s over in no time
When I find it, I don’t need it. When I need it, I can’t find it…
If you were home alone in the middle of the night, and you heard a fart, would you laugh or be scared.
I`m high as a kite! Let me rephrase that: I`m stuck in a tree.
So many Jehovah`s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah`s Evidence.
I was wondering why my doctor gave me LSD for my constipation, then I saw a dragon and crapped myself.
Besides being curled up on the bathroom floor convinced I was dying from liver failure for a few hours, last night was fun.
The majority of life`s greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.
I just finish reading "50 shades of gray" by Sherwin Williams. I don`t see what all the hype is about these paint brochures.
Trying to master the art of eating a powdered donut without looking like I just left Charlie Sheen`s house.