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If you like someone, pretend they`re a charger and you`re an iPhone on 1%. Run to them. Grab them. Plug them in. Wait, I lost the metaphor.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for "hardcore poem"?
It`s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Weekends are like a orgasm.. It`s takes a lot to get there and when u finally do it`s over in no time
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I`m looking for the thumbs-down button.
After much thought and careful consideration, I`ve decided not to do a damn thing today.
I`m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.
I fart because it`s the only gas I can afford.
Girl says to her Blonde friend, I slept with a Brazilian man last night. The Blonde replies: OMG you SLUT! How many is a Brazilian??
I’m convinced that the employees of McDonalds were just customers who could pay and are working off their bills.
Goodnight, good people - and nite nite to the naughty ones too!
Note to self: Asking the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your Facebook status in no way helps you get out of a DUI.
Buy all your socks in one color - problem of the missing sock solved!
Being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible
One of these days I’ll realize that leaning forward in my car while accelerating does not make it go any faster.