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When you`re trying to change the channel on the tv, and the remote starts ringing, you`re probably drunk.
I`m an outdoorsy kind of guy, I like to drink beer outdoors
Note to Self: Next time I leave my wife a message that I`m in a threesome all afternoon, specify it`s golf.
The most misinformed people think they know all the facts.
I`d like to give a special thanks to my feet for supporting me and to my arms for being by my side at all times.
Don`t worry about old age, it doesn`t last that long.
If I don`t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Everyone has a purpose in life ... Perhaps mine is finding things to bitch about.
The decline of civilization started when they stopped putting toys in boxes of cereal.
Advice of the day: Don`t go trick or treating at the bank. They get freaked out. Especially when it`s not Halloween
My browser asks "are you sure?" when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Maybe I`m not stalking you, maybe I just like your schedule
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
I keep my land line so I can find my cell phone.