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Helpful Tip: A ceiling fan won`t cut a bagel in half ... Not even on top speed
Hey, somebody get ready to wake up the guy in Green Day.
I don`t hate you, I`m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
If there`s one thing I`ve learned hiking, it`s the early bird gets the face full of spider webs
My life is the intersection between having too much caffeine and constantly yawning.
“People will believe anything if you whisper it.”
Anyone else has a plastic bag at home full of plastic bags?
I was going to do stand up comedy years ago but then I thought ...Ugghhh, standing...
I`d imagine the only thing worse then getting your period is not getting your period.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a medication bottle and see "May cause extreme sexiness."
I hope I’m the last guy on earth — I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
Before bed, my Dad would always say, "OK son, time to hit the sack." Not sure how me punching him in the balls helped him sleep, but hey, that’s my Dad for ya.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Why do single people take advice from other single people? That’s like Stevie Wonder giving Ray Charles driving directions
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair