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My day so far: 1) Jumped out of bed 2) Cooked breakfast 3) Ran 6 miles 4) Worked out 5) Started lying compulsively
"Does my uniform make me look fat?" -Insecurity guard
If you ever question yourself, your life choices, your sanity...just watch an episode of Hoarders and you`ll be all good.
Last night we were in bed and I asked my wife "What would you like to do to my body more than anything else?" She said "Identify it."
Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.
I left a note in the break room at work saying I had found five bucks. I hadn`t found any money, but it was worth five dollars to learn which of my co-workers is a lying douchebag.
If looks could kill, mirrors would be the leading cause of death among ugly people
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said "I will text you when I get home". I think she`s homeless.
Cops love donuts…. just not when you do them on a four lane highway.
A homeless guy just asked me for money, and I almost gave it to him, but then I thought... he`s just going to use it for alcohol, and then I thought... That`s what I`m going to use it for.
In my defense Your Honor, I thought she had been stung by a jellyfish.
I feel like people who don`t have at least one bottle of expired salad dressing in the fridge, really have their lives together.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs. For a second, I thought, "Should I help?" Then I thought, "No...6 should be enough."
If you’re telling me to relax, it’s probably your fault that I’m not.