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I need to re-home a dog. It’s a small terrier and tends to bark a lot. If your interested, let me know and I’ll jump over my neighbors fence and get it for you.
April 1st is the absolute worst day to have a heart attack.
The more I drink, the more I realize how much more I still want to drink.
My neighbor just spent $237.43 at the vet, that`s $1,662.01 in dog dollars.
Halloween is the perfect time to redistribute those undesired condiment packets of ketchup, mustard, BBQ & soy sauce.
I`m at the age where an "all-nighter" just means I didn`t have to get up to pee.
Why am I not allowed to post anything on here?
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Next time a guy says he wants to fight you, just say "not in that outfit!" and roller skate away
next time you`re at a movie point at the screen when a scene with extras are on and say to your buddy "look, there i am!" and see how many people look over at you in awe.
This girl is ignoring me like a check engine light.
When life throws you curveballs, swing at those motherf*ckers like Stevie Wonder with a lightsaber.
How many “friend-zoned” guys does it take to change a light bulb? None they’ll just compliment it and get pissed when it won’t screw.
To be clever can be difficult without caffiene.
I test drove a car last month. Apparently, you`re not supposed to keep the car for a month. At least that what this cop is telling me.