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I don`t care about your status...
Sometimes you can tell it’s going to be a bad day when someone you don’t like is smiling.
Kids may be a gift, but I like playing with the box it came in.
If I`ve learned anything from 50 Shades of Grey, its that women still haven`t figured out you can watch porn at home... for free.
Do women know that it`s perfectly legal to apply makeup at home before they get in their car?
I thought I was on the cash cab show! But turns out I was in a police car and cops hate trivia.
I`m considering buying a racehorse and naming it, "My Face". Just so I can hear everyone in the stands scream "Come on, My face!!"...
I should be cleaning and disinfecting the toilet bowl today cause I have a feeling I`ll be hunched over hugging it later tonight.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight. I have to get up really early tomorrow afternoon.
My job description does not include farting on everyone else`s office chairs but I still do it because INITIATIVE.
I sooo did not want to go on a run today but those cops came out of nowhere.
Saying something stupid and thinking “Yeah, that sounded way better in my head"
I really don`t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she`s at least 18.
When I see someone yawn, I yawn. I wish it was the same with exercising....
The reason why women will never be the ones to propose is because as soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants