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Happy 1 year anniversary to the Lean Cuisine in my freezer!
I was drivin home tonight and was singin away and seen a tree ahead and swerved to miss it and realized it was my air freshener hangin from my rear view mirror!!!! CLOSE CALL!!!
Everyone can stop painting. We all have cameras that can take perfect pictures of everything.
Men think they have it bad, but they`re not the ones having to hold their boobs when they run.
It`s only October 3rd and I`ve already beaten the sh!t out of two motion activated skeletons at store entrances.
If “dress for the job you want” were true, there would be a lot more people wearing capes.
Some people never go crazy...... What truly horrible lives they must live
90% of adulthood is just deleting emails.
If you get excited that jumping on the bed won`t spill the wineglass on the other side, you`re probably an alcoholic.
I ordered a pizza when my wife went into labor. Thad ad said, "buy a pizza, and get free delivery.
What do we want? An end to auto-correct errors! When do we want it? Cow! Sow! Bow! Tow! Duck this...
I just sent out my daily text to a random number saying "I hit Zack with my truck. I`m going to need to use your hacksaw to cut him up.
If you see me smiling in public it means I’m laughing at the jokes I tell myself in my head.
Couldn`t stay awake sitting on the couch, so I laid down in bed to make sure I wouldn`t fall asleep
Why the hell isn`t the iphone`s battery life called "Apple Juice."