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Woke up with morning wood but she wouldn`t!
Seems like you could save a lot of time if you just paired The Bachelor with The Bachelorette.
Golf would be a lot more fun to watch on TV if the balls were on fire
I`d love to have a sex change. Preferably from `none` to `absolutely sh!tloads`.
The first person who discovered how to make popcorn must have been like "WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON!"
Scientists have recently discovered that approximately 2% of Earth`s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Lord, help me be the person my psychiatrist medicates me to be.
You`d think the chances of putting in a USB drive wrongside-up would be 50-50, but nope, 90-10.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don`t even have a battery in my smoke detector...
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Facebook - the place where you can whine and get likes for it...
A real friend is someone who knows how damn crazy you are... But is still willing to be seen out in public with you.
I woke up early this morning with the strange desire to get up and exercise. Fortunately I rolled over and closed my eyes really tight and the feeling went away.
Admit it: you have all tried to rap in the shower..
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone