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Watching someone else play a video game is like watching someone who won`t let you join in while they`re masturbating.
Boss: Why aren`t you working? Me: I didn`t see you coming!
Just used the "f word" over on FB so I`m waiting for the villagers with their torches, axes, whatever those people use.
I will have you know I have FRIENDS! All 10 seasons.
It`s bad luck to be superstitious.
When I started out, I was young and idealistic, I wanted a Career and to make a difference in the World, but it turned out that I only wanted Paychecks........
"Does this dress make me look fat?"-- Now, what I SHOULD have said was, "No, dear! You are little black dress approved!" but what came out was, "When did your bum move to the front?"
I automatically classify anything over $5 as expensive.
lf the people in the movies listened to me, they would still be alive.
I want someone to look at me the way I look at cupcakes.
One man’s potato is another man’s vodka.
You dont know sh!t about pressure until you`re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you
I like to skip when I`m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
When I think of all the money I`ve spent on booze in my life, I wish I had it all back. Imagine all the booze I could buy!
Who wants to go Smart Car Tipping?