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A good husband is like a bra. He should be supportive and help support your burdens, but mostly he`s just there to touch your boobs.
Sorry I`m late... I accidentally pulled the chain on the ceiling fan one too many times for like 9 hours straight.
Life is full of disappointments, I`ll just add you to the list.
Crap, my Internet has been down for 4 days ...Probably because my neighbors moved 4 days ago.
My dog’s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I’d like it to be.
I am losing Facebook friends at an alarming rate. Whatever it is that I said, is working like a charm.
I was late to work because I was having car trouble. And by car trouble I mean I was sleeping and not driving the car.
If you come to myspace and twitter about my yahoo, can I google over your facebook?
You make me wanna be a better stalker. No, seriously. Slow the f*ck down.
Divorce: Step 1: She throws all your sh!t in the street Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
I`m paying my taxes with a smile, but they wrote me back saying they want cash.
I rather be a known drunk, than an Anonimous Alcoholic
Pulling out a winter coat and going through the pockets to find out who I was 8 months ago.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!...Use your teeth!