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My kids keep bugging me about dinner even after I told them I already ate...
We´re responsible for most of what happens to us, the rest is probably Voodoo.
Nice try Jehovah’s Witnesses but dressing up like cops and telling me you have a warrant is not going to get me to open my door.
Out of all the lies I`ve ever told, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
I thought I wanted to get married again. Then I laughed and remembered why I shouldn`t think.
Ladies, if you are really good at blow jobs, you don’t have to pretend to like football.
My Living Will says it`s okay to pull the plug on me, but I`d like them to at least try jiggling it a few times first.
Dear Cashier: Stop giving me attitude and acting like your job is so complicated and stressful. Self-Checkout has proven that you are really unnecessary.
I spent at least half an hour trying to get my girlfriends bra off. I will never try wearing that again.
When Life rains on your parade, get out the Slip-n-Slide.
My life has a surprising lack of dance battles.
Tupperware is so handy for those times when you feel like throwing out your food another day.
I`m not sarcastic…I`m just intellegent beyond your understanding.
According to the customer service, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
All I want is a little more than I’ll ever get.