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I have a hidden talent......I really wish I could find it!
Always have a goal. Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son`s love, I sometimes think to myself, "This may be the worst prize ever."
Shoutout to my parents for not wearing a condom and creating the most awesome person alive.
I give 2 star movies 5 stars on Netflix because if I sat through this piece of sh!t, I want you to as well.
Whenever someone says to me, "Oh, you look so familiar, where do I know you from?" I like to respond with, "Do you watch porn?"
Someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Here Friday Friday...come on...hurry up! Oh no you don`t! You come when I call you damn it! Get your a$$ over here. ... good boy!
I really shouldn`t have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there.
Slow dancing with a fat girl? More like moving a fridge by yourself.
The problem with the world is intelligent people are full of doubts, while stupid people are full of confidence.
Pizza will never tell you you`re fat unless you`re high as sh!t, then pizza is probably suggesting you fight an aardvark to lose weight.
If the Sahara Desert had a motto it would be "Long time, no sea."
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
You know you are in the hood when your portable GPS says “Drive faster and put me under the seat.”