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If you try and don´t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
School is like an erection. It`s long and hard unless you`re Asian.
I`m just here until I can make day drinking a full time job
The joy of finding out that your boss is going on a holiday is way greater than you yourself going on one
Answer your phone, "come in" just to mess with people once in a while. Count how many seconds it takes for them to respond.
Today is the 1st anniversary of the end of the world. Can you believe it`s been a year since the world ended? Time sure flies when it`s the apocalypse.
Somewhere in America, a woman has a baby every 47 minutes. We`ve got to find this woman and stop her!
How long does it take possums to realize when one of them is actually dead?
When people tell me that I’ve changed, I want to shake them and tell them: “And so should you!”
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Researchers claim that the Internet is making us dumber and more impatient. I don`t get it. Moving on.
I`m never free but I`m available.
There`s nothing like hearing the laughter of a baby. Unless it`s 1AM and you`re home alone.
If there’s one thing that having kids will teach you, it’s home repair.
Drank way too much beer last night. Didn`t leave any for this morning.