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I think I`m gonna shave my legs so that there`s less wind resistance when I run to the fridge for a beer.
If you`re going to be a d!ck.. At least be a big one.
I think the cats are hording all the single women out there...
My door is always open. So please feel free to leave.
The batteries in my electric toothbrush died before I finished. I`ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Just stepped outside, closed my eyes, took a deep breathe of fresh air, sipped a Dew. What a perfect morning, what could go wrong? Crap I forgot 2 put pants on!
I don`t know if getting everything I want would make me happy, but the opposite is not working at all.
I hate it when people are holding a device capable of using google and they ask me stupid questions.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is. She`s not dead, just very condescending.
Nothing stops a yawn faster than a dog trying to lick inside your mouth.
Dear Carly Simon, Yes I am so vain that I do think that song is about me.
It`s never good when Human Resources sends you an email and the subject line is "Your Facebook Activity".
i havnt seen any status`s about ninjas lately.... well played ninjas
Friends that are with you during your darkest times probably didn’t pay their electric bill either.