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My home security system is a series of paintings with the eyes cut out.
When I die I want my body donated to science, but more specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead guys back to life…
Looking back at old text messages and Facebook messages and being like "What the hell was I thinking when I said that."
when a girl says "whatever" what she really means "I hope you get shot, fall off a bridge, get raped by a shark, and then eaten by it
"Rise and shine” is probably the most depressing thing a shoeshiner hears in the morning.
I don`t think America should elect a president in 2016. We need to be single for a few years and find ourselves.
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I`m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
If my calculations are right, by November of 2019 my uneven usage of conditioner will finally lap the shampoo and I will run out of both at the exact same time.
omg I just found out I`m allergic to exercise...at first I get all flushed, then I break out in a sweat, my heart starts pounding really fast, then I cant breath........i wont be doing that again!
I may have no one rocking my world right now, but I have no one ruining it either!
I start a lot of conversations with "goodbye" in hopes that I trick people into thinking we already talked.
I hear you`ve been very naughty ... Go to my room!
I used to think drinking was bad until i stopped thinking
Im really not just some idiot with nothing better to do with my time, I just play one in FB.
Yesterday I saw something that reminded me of you. I almost stepped in it!