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I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who can not be handled by his parents anymore.
Perfect has 7 letters and so does meeeeee ....Coincidence? I think not.
me + you = overpopulation... :) :p
I always tell the person at the drive-thru that they are so much prettier than I pictured them when I was ordering.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written “eff off forever” instead of “keep in touch” in your yearbook.
Ladies, Admit it. Sometimes you look down at your own boobs and think "Wow, these are Awesome!"
Surveys say 1 out of every 2 people suck at math. It`s terrible that 80% of the population can`t even do the easiest calculations.
Random Fact of the Day: Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
I`m in no shape to exercise patience!
I like working from home. It`s much more comfortable than sleeping in my cubicle.
Hey Russia, you spelled Sushi wrong.
Someone smells like cigarettes and bad decisions.......Oh it`s me? Sorry about that.
Procrastination............I`ll make a joke about it later.