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Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Confidence is going after Moby Dick in a row boat ... and taking the tartar sauce with you.
I saw a midget carrying a tv to his car today. I said "hey, would you like some help with that plasma?" He said "f*ck off asshole, it`s an IPad!"
I never owned a telescope, but it`s something that I`m thinking of looking into.
Who`s further now, the Energizer Bunny or Voyager 1?
I’m not a comedian. I don’t tell jokes. I just tell the truth in a way it sounds funny.
To the makers of rice cakes; thanks for nothing!
Do you realize that a woman`s "I`ll be ready in five minutes." and a guy`s " I`ll be home in five minutes." are exactly the same?
I read somewhere that we only use 10% of our brains. I wonder what the other half is for?
Not to brag, but Netflix recommends certain movies just for me.
Beer is the answer...but I can`t remember the question.
I`ve seen bride magazines but have yet to see "Eager Groom" magazines.
I used to be poor. Then I bought a dictionary, and now I`m impecunious.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance in "Holy crap this is a terrible gift but I`ll pretend to love it."
Women and children first because men deserve a little quiet time before the ship sinks.