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My goal today is to lose this hangover and earn another
I put "extremely organized" on my resume and I don`t even remember what folder I saved it in..
I have no words to describe this day. I do however have a number of obscene gestures that would work.
Drinking doesn’t make me post better Facebook statuses; it simply makes me not care what you think of them…
There is no such thing as a stupid question, but there are such things as stupid people who ask questions.
When I`m sad, I sing...Then I realise my voice is worse than my problems.
I just ordered a Life Alert bracelet so if I ever get a life I`ll be notified immediately.
I’d be unstoppable if it wasn’t for law enforcement and physics.
For most things there’s MasterCard For everything else there’s Vodka
If u think I talk to much, just let me know. We can talk about it!
There`s a lot of perks being a single parent, for one no witnesses.
Pocketwatches were replaced by wristwatches, which became digitalwatches, which were replaced by mobile phones. Which we keep in our pockets
If Reincarnation ends up being real... Those People who got "YOLO" tattoos are going to look... Pretty Silly
Wow comma I just realized if I tap the microphone on my keyboard I don`t have to type out my statuses anymore exclamation point
When will they start calling marijuana dispenseries grass stations?