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I find you`re total lack of ambition is inspiring.
When I say “the other day” I could mean yesterday or 5 years ago there’s no in between.
Do you know who invented the Knock Knock joke? I don`t know either, but whoever did should get a no bell prize.
I had been dreaming about eating a giant marshmallow, when I woke up my pillow was gone! :O
Half the lies they tell about me aren`t true
I hate it when you can’t find your phone because you left it someplace stupid like in the car or your non-dominant hand.
"She really does suck!" could be a complement in the porn industry
Tip Of The Week: When going through airport customs and you are asked “do you have any firearms with you?” do not reply “what do you need?”
When I was little my dad had me convinced that the Ice Cream truck only played music when it was sold out. Well played Dad, well played.
It`s such a cold winter this year that the squirrels are collecting more nuts than usual. So far 3 of my neighbors have disappeared...
When I count calories it involves a bunch of multiplication.
Sometimes i wish i was an octopus, so i can slap eight people @ once!
Having plans sounds great until you realize you have to put on clothes and actually leave the house.
This book on marriage says treat your wife like you treated her on the first date, so after dinner tonight I am dropping her off at her parents` house
Like a good neighbor,I don`t really care.