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If every U.S. sports team converted to metric, Americans would understand the metric system by the next game.
The phrase, “Don’t take this the wrong way” has a zero percent success rate.
Any hedge can be a maze if you are drunk enough.
I farted on my wallet. Now I have gas money
Video Game Logic: Everyone worse than me is my bitch and everyone better than me has no life.
How many boxes of these Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
If you`re gonna label the silica gel "do not eat", maybe you should label everything in the box. I almost ate a shoe before someone stopped me
You better not pout, you better not cry, you better not shout I`m telling you why...we have our own problems and nobody cares about yours.
I`m probably not going to get accepted into the optimist club.
There is a gym called Anytime Fitness. I choose 2030.
Sometimes, even I`m afraid of the things my mind comes up with.
Jingle all the way. Nobody likes a half-assed jingler.
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance… The five stages of waking up.
I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "THERES ONE." -same guy, you`re british.
Women are like bacon: they look good, they smell good, they taste good, and they will slowly kill you