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Its so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way UP
The term "bath toys" has a whole new meaning when you`re an adult
A good man can make you feel sexy, strong, and able to take on the world ...Oh sorry ...That`s wine ...Wine does that.
The fox says you need to stop.
House cleaning would go a lot faster if the spray bottles made laser gun sounds
The key to successful relationships is not to start any.
Never call me creepy. You`re the only one that doesn`t even know we`re engaged.
Must be lonely over there on "I`m offended by jokes" island.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
I think it`s about time Taylor Swift wrote a song called "Maybe I`m the Problem"
The more I drink the better my Idea`s seem to get.
I give movies with 2 stars a 5 on Netflix because if I sat through this piece of sh!t, I want you to as well.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
You may think I`m a loser, but to my goldfish, I`m the god of flakes.
Fast food places should have a third window, where you can trade in the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window.