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You had me at, "we`ll make it look like an accident."
My hobbies include trying to close the elevator door before someone else gets on.
The problem with diets is pizza.
My favorite drinking game is drinking.
I swear... my remote just decides to take random vacations sometimes.
If you say "cash money" around me, Don`t act surprised when I kick you in the "balls nuts" See how stupid that sounds?
Fish who are caught and released are like the aquatic equivalent of people who claim to have been abducted by aliens.
I hope that man who was walking in memphis found out the way he really felt
It`s so hard being a single mom when you have no kids and are a male teenager.
*Knocks on door* Hey open up. You didn`t reply to my last 43 inbox messages & then you updated about a guy who keeps annoying you. You need help?
They say money can’t buy happiness… but it can buy bacon, and that is pretty darn close.
Nobody really dates anymore. You just make eye contact, text, hang out, and next thing you know all her clothes are in your closet....
My GF`s anti aging cream went bad ... How does anti aging cream have an expiration date?!
I`ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can`t find his nuggets.
I`m broker than the Tooth Fairy in a house full of Meth addicts.