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Marriage tip: Don`t
I am at the gym! Well, the parking lot. They have free wi-fi.
Cop: Been drinking tonight, ma`am? Me: No, I`m just dizzy b/c I`m having a heavy flow day. It`s really clotty and... Cop: You`re free to go.
Coffee: So I can do nothing with more energy.
If I had three wishes, I`d use one for boobs. Because I`m pretty sure I could get everything else that I wanted if I had boobs.
I`ll be damned if after the 5 longest minutes of my life i am going to "allow to cool in microwave for 1 minute"!
Just once I want my boss to assume I`m tired in the morning because I fight crime all night, not because of all the booze I drank.
Dear Rebecca Black, you are the most beautiful And prettiest girl in the world. Don`t let the haters get you down. P.S Forgot to mention today`s opposite day.
Girls just wanna have funds.
It`s amazing how different the phrases "alcohol free" and "free alcohol" are.
Surprise your wife today. Sell all her shoes and buy something nice for yourself.
It is impossible to simultaneously keep up a) hope and b) with the Kardashians.
I know my limits. I don’t pay any attention to them, but I know them
Filling out a job application. Under "Military Experience" I put that I once went commando for 4 days in a row.
My reaction to stepping in dog sh!t is identical to me logging onto Facebook