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If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.
I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.
When someone asks if you lost weight, the correct response is always, "no, it just seems like it to you because you got fatter."
Sometimes I mop the carpet just so my wife doesn`t ask me to help with stuff.
I remember when downloading a song meant trying to tape it off the radio while hoping the DJ didn´t talk over the song.
You can dress for success or undress for it. It depends on what type of work you want.
Relationships are like yard sales. They look good from a distance, but once you get there it`s just a bunch of sh!t you don`t really need.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Did the Energizer Bunny finally stop going and going, and none of us even noticed it?
I hate when I explain how awesome I am to someone and they pretend to not be impressed.
Redneck WORD OF THE DAY: WATER My girlfriend gets mad and I don`t even know water problem is!
Just looked at the price of baby strollers. I think were gonna have an indoor baby.
Don’t start an argument with a girl because they have 45030194 GB memories and will bring up something you did at 2:27PM on April 23rd 2008.
The waitress asked if I was done with that, I said yes but I`m married to it.