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Oh look, it`s raining outside. I think I`ll go on Facebook and update all my friends that don`t have a window of their own.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
We always say that our elders are wise, because of their years of experience. But you know what? ... Stupid people get old too.
Relationship status: If I slam on my brakes really hard... The seatbelt hugs me back.
Anyone that says I`m a lover not a fighter has clearly never been in a relationship over 6 months
I`m a multi-tasking procrastinator. I can put off a bunch of sh!t all at the same time.
When a cashier asks if you have a loyalty card just sigh and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
Dear sneeze, If you`re gonna happen, happen. Don`t put a stupid look on my face and leave
People are way less judgmental when you say you had an "avocado salad" instead of saying you ate a bowl of guacamole.
I learned two important lessons today. I can`t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
I don’t necessarily believe in karma, but I’m gonna be extra careful crossing the street after this weekend.
You`re always ahead of schedule when it comes to disappointing me.
Look, here’s the deal: If you’re into immature, sexually compulsive men who drink too much and need to be the center of attention at all times, you are going to find me very attractive.
Friending someone on Facebook and complaining about what they post is like phoning someone to tell them you don’t want to talk to them.
You’d think the chances of putting in a USB drive wrongside-up would be 50-50, but nope, 90-10.