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I`m not Unemployed, I`m just taking my next job`s vacation in advance...
Why does toilet paper need a commercial? Who is not buying this?
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
I want to grow my own food but no one makes pizza seeds.
I had to explain the Goonies today... so I`m feeling super old and bitter.
Hey people who say I am boring and not interesting; FYI the police just called saying they want to talk to me because I am "a person of interest"
Sleep is for the people without access to Internet.
I`m at the facebook saloon, drinking all night long
There are more important things in life than Facebook and Twitter, like watching TV and having a beer.
The best part about being a pathological liar is flying my helicopter to my private island.
GAL: Would you keep me in your heart forever? BOY: Nop! GAL: (sadly)...why? BOY: Because then you`ll occupy only one part of me...but i`ll keep you in my heart, mind & let you complete me.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
I don’t know how your day is going, but I just got lucky on the couch! Yep, I found a dollar!
If you’re telling me to relax, it’s probably your fault that I’m not.
I pulled my wife`s panties to the side.......then put the rest of her socks in the drawer.