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Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words "gruesome discovery" coming from your TV on the morning news.
Stress from children can take 10 yrs off your life Drinking alcohol from stress can take another 10 yrs Based on my math, I died 5 yrs ago
wants my 260 FB friends to know I love you all..except #193
Miley Cyrus and Justin Beiber were both answers on Jeopardy tonight. The end is near........
Joggers always give each other a little nod when they pass, just like fat guys in a buffet line.
Does "Can I take your order?" sometimes mean "Let`s start a new life together" or am I reading too much into this?
If I was a waiter.. I would plant fake engagement rings in every girl`s champagne glass, just to see their boyfriends panic.
My Ex updated her status to "standing on the edge of a cliff" So I "poked" her!
Oops, just bought vodka instead of milk again
I hate it when the little voices argue with my imaginary friends.
I swear 90% of the contacts in my phone are useless.
What do bats eat that makes their sh!t our standard for crazy?
Pretty busy today. Was only able to check my phone 1400 times.
You know one thing i really like about you is that you dont like anything about me.
Marrying your high school sweetheart is like taking the banker`s first offer on Deal or No Deal.