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Ladys have it easy, if they ever do start to loose an argument they can just start playing with their boobs
Sometimes I think if it weren`t for the gutter my mind would be homeless...
I wish I could use Shazam to identify people when I cant remember their name.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips...
I don`t get personal trainers. I`ve never been exercising and thought "man, I wish someone hot was criticizing me right now."
My internet went down last week...so I talked to my family....thank goodness the internet came back
If all the worlds a stage and the men and women merely players, how come Justin Bieber gets all the airtime?
It`s 2014 and somehow we still don`t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
You’re really not as bad as people say. You’re much, much worse.
I don`t have a drinking problem ... I`m just really thirsty.
I would be a great procrastinator ... if I could ever get around to it.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
I`m thinking about remodeling my bathroom and thanks to all your selfies I`m getting some great ideas!!.....
She’s thinking about having beer pong at her reception… that’s walking a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I`d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.