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The women at this gym act like nobody’s ever tried taking their measurements before.
Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus.
Funniest thing ever heard on TV. "Ward, you were a little hard on the Beaver last night"
Yesterday I jokingly asked my wife what she was burning for dinner. Turns out it was all my personal belongings.
What are nuts on a wall? Walnuts. What are nuts on the chest? Chestnuts. What are nuts against a chin? Blow job.
Nothing gets me motivated for 10-15 seconds like a good inspirational quote.
I bet Snowmen think it`s weird that the ground is completely covered in their skin.
Facebook: Wasting peoples lives since 2004
I don’t care if we don’t talk, your existence still pisses me off.
Your cat doesn`t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Due to Global Warming Santa will be giving out Solar Panels to all the naughty kids this year!
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
Whenever somebody said they did something "Like a Boss" I assume that they did nothing but took all the credit for it.
To be clever can be difficult without caffiene.
The Best Excuse given by a Lady for Missing Work ! "My husband took an overdose of Viagra.....Couldn`t leave him alone with the Maid"