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On the first day of school, I tell all my students to rip up their textbooks ..then I leave before their REAL teacher arrives.
Marriage is for quitters
I always honk when I drive by homeless guys sleeping, just in case they overslept for a meeting
has often thought that what doesn’t kill us makes us drink stronger liquor.
If you`re ever held at gun point, just remember, I`m behind you 100%.
Guys say that women should come with instructions, but what`s the point. Have you ever seen a man read instructions?
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic - Tacs.
Why do people ask "what the hell were you thinking"? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it.
If you have just started playing flappy bird I would like to warn you there is nothing up ahead but more dangling pipes and disappointment
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re stupid and make bad decisions.
We didn`t take a video recording of our child`s birth but we have some awesome video of his conception.
Do angry people know about naps?
Whenever you`re powerless, remember: A single one of your pubic hairs can shut down a restaurant.
You think you have a tough job? I clean the windows on automatic doors.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!...Use your teeth!