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I think my front door faces the wrong direction. People keep finding it.
Saying an actors performance was unbelievable is actually an insult.
At this point I`m guessing the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they completely lost their minds
Last night we were in bed and I asked my wife "What would you like to do to my body more than anything else?" She said "Identify it."
I don`t need to go to church in order to feel ashamed of myself on Sunday morning.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
It`s a good thing Taylor Swift and Adele aren`t dating. Imagine if they broke up.
Besides tweeting during this job interview, what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Life is tough. It’s even tougher if you’re stupid.
i wonder if fish get thirsty .
What do you mean my bathrobe is inappropriate? Isn`t it casual Friday?!
It`s all fun and games...unless there`s cookies, then it`s serious
Haircuts are great because I did none of the work but get all of the credit.
I just devoured a six inch from Subway and I`m still not satisfied. I get it ladies. I get it.
Good morning friends … Wait … what the hell m I doing up this early?