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I got married so that I can be autocorrected even when my phone is off.
I`ve considered changing career paths and becoming a demolitions expert, but then I hear the education may cost me an arm and a leg.
I always shout "PIZZA`S HERE" so the delivery guy doesn`t think I`m eating two pizzas by myself.
Rawwrrr means I love you in dinosaur. Everyone knows that, silly
I don`t really work, I just kinda stand around and be awesome.
I don`t know about you . But everytime I go on Twitter , I get this weird feeling , I am being followed.
I liked you until you started ignoring me and then I loved you. -Girls ---- Bfanch
"Ramen". - Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, "Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!"
Do whatever you want, and if it`s something you`re going to regret in the morning, sleep late.
Happy Monday!! I`m gonna sit this one out.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Every time I see a pregnant woman, I very much want to ask if she swallowed a watermelon seed.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. Unless your wife finds out.