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Women, if you want to strike a bit of fear into your man, just smile really big and ask him, "Notice anything different?"
eBay sellers - just because you`ve dug your suit/dress out of the back of your wardrobe doesn`t make it vintage. #JustOldAndSmelly
I just want to read, have a snack, then take a nap. Basically, I just want to be in kindergarten again.
*accidentally answers phone call* ... *pretends to be answering machine*
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I`d say I`m about 74% Rice Krispies.
I’m going to start telling girls that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
nothing says i love you like, "im going to buy you new duct tape for your taillight, what color you want? "
The one thing you never wanna hear when your father catches you watching porn is... "Scoot over."
Summer needs to slow the hell down.
I have never faked a sarcasm in my entire life!
My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker, so I told her to roll them tighter.
I`m glad it`s the thought that counts because I spend all day thinking about the sh!t I should be doing.
The only difference between Black Friday and a zombie apocalypse is that zombies don`t care if you get the last iPad Mini.
You say hangover. I say out of booze.
Remember when you thought you’d have it all together by the time you were the age you are now? LOL