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I might not be a great example, but I´m one hell of a good warning.
It’s not the destination, it’s the journey. Except when you’re heading to the bathroom with explosive diarrhea.
Never say "piece of cake!" to me. Unless there is, indeed, a piece of cake involved.
I saw a girl being irresponsible texting while driving and it really ticked me off.....So I rolled down my window and threw my beer at her.
No matter how loud you crank the bass, it`s still a minivan.
What if the weather talks about us?
Alcohol makes me worse at everything except telling secrets
Day 1. I am thankful that I haven`t fallen into the trap of Facebook thankful status updates.
I`m undecided about which pants to wear today...Smarty of Fancy?
Oops, just bought vodka instead of milk again
They should just block cell phone service in movie theaters. Problem solved.
My wife asked me to load the dishwasher. So I poured her some shots and told her to start drinking. And that`s how the fight started.
Plumber: you have hard water. Me: you mean like ice?
I purposely cry while cutting carrots so onions don`t think they`re ugly or something.
I took the "Which 90`s Cartoon Are You?" quiz and got "You`re a fucking grown man. Stop it. Right now."