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I spent an hour at Walmart last night.. I can now totally disprove evolution.. O_o
String cheese is the sexiest of the cheeses. It’s like you get to undress it.
Why do cops ask us why we think they pulled us over? It`s their job. I dont go to the station and ask why they think I created a powerpoint.
Three weeks without a signal typo!
I was going to get a lot of stuff done tonight, but I didn`t. Because, you know...beer.
The average human uses less than 10 percent of the remote.
I think "Don`t Kid Yourself" would be a great brand name for birth control pills....
B!tch, I will slap you by accident on purpose.
If I haven`t offended you, just scroll thru my timeline. It`s in there.
My fridge is so full of beer ... I`m going to have to drink my way back to the food or starve.
I wish I could match my dog`s excitement to go outside.
Some of you need to be driven out to the country and released back into the wild
Wanna ruin a girl’s day? Respond to her next text with “Who is this?”
So you have 820 friends on Facebook and yet no one was around to take your picture when you decided to use the mirror for a good shot?
Defies physics: I eat half a pound of food, `purge` 1 pound of it, and then gain five pounds because of it-- WTF?