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Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until the creepy guy from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
If you don`t have anything nice to say I would probably enjoy spending time with you
When people with multiple personality disorders are about to die, whose life flashes before their eyes?
buying an old Mercedes Benz so that people may think you have been rich all along
Just when I think my confidence couldn`t be shakier, some shitty website tells me I have a "Weak Password"
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
I don`t go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that doesn`t let you skip.
For the record "Wanna do it?" is not foreplay....
When you are a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You`ve gotten so big since I last saw you!" As an adult, not so much.
I don`t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Whenever I fill out a job application with a box for "Race," I add a question mark and then write, "Anytime. Anywhere."
Women my age expect a man to have his sh!t together by now. Time to start dating younger women.
Wal-Mart: Because going to Target requires a shower.