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Hell hath no fury like me when I’m slightly inconvenienced and hungry.
I often worry about the safety of my children ... Especially the one who is talking back right now.
Not to brag, but I don`t even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
My favorite sexual position is pretty much any of them. I`m just glad to be involved.
I like to say, "Well, enough with the small talk" before anyone has a chance to speak.
No Shirt No Shoes No Service. What about pants?
You being crazy doesn`t bother me. It`s you being crazier than me...That makes me freakin` jealous.
Are you supposed to get an email that says “HAHAHAHAHA” after signing up for Match.com?
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it`s AM. Google thinks I`ve got my life together.
They should make Vodka ChapStick
My last thought in life will probably be ” I wonder what happens if I touch this?”
when i die i want to be thrown out of an airplane with a superman costume
I’m thinking there’s some type of filter that prevents normal people from like my page
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won`t let me use their microwave.
Smelling another person should be a choice.