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Someone should use screen recording software to record an entire day’s worth of working on spreadsheets and post it to YouTube so that I can play it full screen and pretend like I’m working.
People of planet Earth, thank your gods that I`m not in charge of the red button.
My girlfriend said she wasn`t impressed and felt she needed a man with at least 6 inches. So I folded it in half.
I didn`t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Someone’s therapist knows all about you.
So glad my face doesn’t have a progress bar that shows how much I’m understanding what other people are saying.
Not to brag, but I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
I`m pretty sure if you watched a movie of my life backwards it probably would be about a guy who refills beer cans and puts them in the fridge.
"People should just mind their own business," probably the funniest thing I`ve ever read on a social networking site.
I am not particularly bad at cooking but how long is pasta supposed to stay in the toaster ?
If you want to pick up girls ....Keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Sometimes words are not enough. That`s why I always like to keep a baseball bat with me, just in case...
I use these ( ... ) a lot. For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Dropped my son off for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you`re supposed to pick them up?
One thing the porn industry has taught me is that this summer I defiantly need to get a job as a poolboy.