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I find you`re total lack of ambition is inspiring.
Hope I never go to jail, because I haven`t memorized a phone number since 2003.
My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I`m five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."
My coworker`s inspire me to drink on the job.
It`s a good thing farting isn`t as contagious as yawning.
I`m about as lost as lesbian on ChristianMingle.com
Recipes sound good until you realize that you don`t have $846 worth of spices in your house.
Laziness: the habit of resting before you get tired.
"Karate" is an old Japanese word that means, "My kid can`t hit a baseball."
If I don’t talk to myself, who will?
It`s bad luck to be superstitious.
"is Pepsi ok?" - my coke dealer, tryin to be funny
Sometimes I feel like a loser for spending so much time on Facebook. Then I remember there are people out there who comment on pornhub videos
My relationship is mostly me apologizing for saying something super bada$$ and hilarious
I need to find new reward systems besides beer and chocolate.