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My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" ... I sent it anyways.
I try to avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they are in the middle of a race.
All things being considered......half of your friends are below average.
What`s the difference between "Ooooo" and "Ahhh"? About 3 inches.
I love long walks on the beach under the moonlight, poetry, candlelight dinners, and having my a$$ spanked with a fuzzy slipper.
I’m over the 30-day ab challenge. Is there a 30-day nap challenge I can take on?
Give a fish something for once for f*cks sake
Patience Is When Playing TETRIS And U Let Those Bricks Fall On Their Own Without Speeding Them Down
My downstairs neighbor thinks I`m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that`s what she wrote in her diary.
Can’t wait till I’m old and I can play the ‘fall asleep’ card in awkward situations.
I’m not brave. I’m just past the age where running is an option.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you - Step 1. She is
I`m giving up procrastination for Lent ... starting tomorrow.
I don`t want it to seem like I`m trying to get rid of you, but GO AWAY!!
I don`t know karate, but I do know crazy, and I`m not afraid to use it.