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The most annoying are those people in great shape at the gym…. I’m like, “What are you doing here? You’re done.”
Don`t half a$$ anything. F*ck it up all the way.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
I went to Alcoholics Anonymous last week. The first thing they told me to do was to stop hanging around other alcoholics. So I stopped going.
I hate it when chicks wear pink camo. I`m like, "girl" where you hiding? Candyland?
Today`s Horoscope: You`re gullible.
I think I have an urge to get up and clean the house. Wait...no, false alarm.
Look for my new diet book: "How To Work Out And Watch What You Eat And Still Gain Plenty Of Weight"
I only use elevators for one thing. Surprise group hugs
The Patriots defensive coverage was almost as bad as the coverage by Obamacare.
Going to a bar where "everybody knows your name" sounds terrifying.
If there’s one thing that I’ve learned it’s, that I should have learned way more than one thing.
Where have you been all my life? Can you go back there?
People would probably piss me off a lot less if I was allowed to drive a tank.
When the nurse calls my name at the doctor`s office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right