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Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Wait...so the "c-word" isn`t co-worker?
When you write misspelled backwards it`s misspelled.
Iām going to start telling girls that Iām available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Good to know that if they ever release a lion in Walmart you only have to run faster than the fat lady with the zebra print pants on.
Regardless of how much time you think you waste, just know that someone created a very detailed Wikipedia page for Grumpy Cat.
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with "According to the prophecy."
A German boy pushed his brother off a cliff. He then turned to his mother and said "Look Mom! No Hans!"
I can`t help but feel insulted when that voice on the speaker calls me a Walmart shopper.
Next time a guy says he wants to fight you, just say "not in that outfit!" and roller skate away
I`ll never be to old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
I`m not funny, I`m just kidding u
You`re the reason I wake up everyday. Just kidding I have a job.
My ex was in a swimming competition with 19 other women today. They were doing the breaststroke. Unfortunately, she came in last place. She didn`t know she could have used her arms!