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First the Jerk cut me off in traffic, then stole my parking space, then his stupid car got paint all over my key!
You`d think the nerds on The Big Bang could fix that stupid elevator.
Do handjobs from girls who speak sign language count as blowjobs
"Turtle Power" is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
In a perfect world Taco Bell would deliver...
If your wife asks you if you know where the broom is, it`s not a good idea to ask her if she is going somewhere.
I`ve decided that I`m an ass man. Don`t get me wrong, horses are beautiful. They just aren`t as cute as donkeys.
If I haven`t offended you, just scroll thru my timeline. It`s in there.
Half-Drunk is a waste of money.
Is it bad when I´m talking to myself and I´m not even listening?
In the morning there`s a huge difference between 6:00 and 6:05.
Pretty sure one of my ex-girlfriends added the, "are you still listening?" feature on Pandora.
in wine there is wisdom. in beer there is freedom. in water there is... umm bacteria
I just wanna find a girl who loves me for my money. That way I wouldn`t feel bad for loving her for her body.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon