Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
For Valentine`s Day my wife wanted to.... well, you know. It started with her handcuffing me to the bed. And for three solid hours she watched whatever she wanted on television
My eye problems starts on Mondays and ends on Friday evening. I see clearer after the fourth bottle.
You guys are even more beautiful now that I`m wearing my "wine glasses".
I`ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
There were only 3 commandments until Moses’ wife got involved.
My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I`d go to hell for.
I love water. Especially when it`s frozen and surrounded by vodka.
Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
I’m not a comedian. I don’t tell jokes. I just tell the truth in a way it sounds funny.
I try to avoid trouble but I think it likes me.
I have this empty feeling inside of me. Wait, there`s my drink.
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance... The five stages of waking up.
Happy Birthday to all those ladies that their men forgot about because it falls on Super Bowl Sunday this year.
When I die I want someone to play that little death jingle from Mario Bros at my funeral.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.