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Super Bowl Sunday, the one day of the year that DVR`s are used to watch commercials, instead of skip them!
"Does my uniform make me look fat?" -Insecurity guard
Do you know how many poisonous apples I`d have to give out before I was considered to be the fairest in the land?
Double-Stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
Feeling stressed out? Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever`s bugging you.
Do you know what this house is missing? A box of $#!+, Let`s get a cat.
Possible Fact: White guys with corn rows make dangerous zombies, cuz you can`t possibly run away while laughing that hard at the same time.
Girl Scout cookie season is scientifically timed to occur just as people are giving up on their New Year`s resolutions.
Stop Instagramming words. I`m not following you for your thoughts. Take off your f*cking shirt.
The closest I`ve come to camping was that one time when I fell asleep in the bushes outside your window with my camera.
RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE: 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support and your scrolling with your thumb! LIKE if I’m right!
Insanity does not run in my family. It strolls through, taking it`s time and getting to know each one of us personally.
Sorry a remote fell out when you took off my bra
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
“Is it food time yet?” = The summarization of most of my thoughts.