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Waiter: Would u like ur coffee black sir? Me: What other colors do u have?
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
If you don’t like being tailgated then don’t play movies I like.
Whenever there is an awkward silence try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
I wonder who the first person was to look at a beehive and think, "those bastards are hiding something delicious in there, I know it!"
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Do you think people in Mexico ever say, "Those jobs keep stealing all our Mexic?ns!"
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
This silly farmers market doesn`t have any locally grown pizza.
I`m not lazy, I just rest before I get tired
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It`s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
I`m pretty sure if you watched a movie of my life backwards it probably would be about a guy who refills beer cans and puts them in the fridge.
Hell, I finally figured out what was wrong with me ... I have been reading the wrong horoscope!!
So Stevie Wonder is going to become father to triplets next year. I guess he didn`t see that coming...
Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up -- In 30 minutes? In 3 hours? In 9 years? No one can ever be sure.