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All the women moaning about finding a husband obviously never had one.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
It is amazing how a nice pair of boobs can hide serious flaws and signs of mental illness until after you marry them!
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
I would eat a lot more healthy food if it required no preparation or stayed fresh as long as junk food.
If you were home alone in the middle of the night, and you heard a fart, would you laugh or be scared.
I may have just inadvertently accomplished something
I only like clicky pens when I am the clicker.
Reasons to get out of bed: None.
I ran into my ex the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
My life is a very complicated drinking game
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS? EUROPE: How can we save our economy? AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
If ignorance is bliss then there`s a crap load of people in paradise
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Benefits of dating me: 1. You`re the sane one.