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I hate when my girlfriend accuses me of something I didn`t think she knew about.
I wasn`t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark
Some people say having a child is the best experience in the world. These people obviously never had 2 thing fall from a vending machine at once.
Hoodie Footie Pajamas from Pajamagram; because nothing tells a girl you love her like giving her something to cover up her body from head to toe before she gets in your bed.
Some people just lack the ability to realize that everyone in the room wants them to shut up.
Why even ask how my weekend was if you’re just going to interrupt me halfway through to say “Yeah, I saw your Facebook post.”
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
I know that somewhere in the Universe exists my perfect soul mate, but looking for her is much more difficult than just staying at home and ordering another pizza.
Admit it. When you go to the zoo, the first thing you look at is the Camel`s foot.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy in the world, or the best looking guy in the world, but.... Oh, hell. Now I`m depressed.
Whenever I see a woman breastfeeding in public, my first reaction is to get in line.
Don`t take nude pics. Problem solved.
I wanna lie on the floor and not think for a month or two.