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Turkish ruler Erdogan was at the White House this week. Sources say he arrived very early so he could beat the crowd.
My life`s paradox: I love sleeping, but I never want to go to bed early.
If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog`s poop.
I dreamt I was you..I hated myself. Luckily I woke up..woah that was close.
I don’t think girls realize how handsome my mom says I am.
Have you ever just sat there and realized how weird you are?
To the woman with six screaming kids in Walmart, if you wonder how those condoms got in your cart, you’re welcome.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years. Just kidding. I`m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Just completed my sexual harassment training and I think I`m finally ready to start harassing people.
Just heard someone pronounce the H in wheel so I`m gonna need a minute
I like how the nice people of Sesame Street all know that Oscar the Grouch lives in that can, and yet they still stuff their trash into it.
Greeting all the Single People a very Happy Independence Day!!
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Some questions just answer themselves. Like, sit-ups or pizza?