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Welcome to journalism, where everything is made up, and the sources don`t matter.
That awkward moment when you try to zoom in on Instagram and remember that you’re an idiot.
iPhone is really a terrible name considering how rarely I use it as a phone. That`s like if my bed was named iSex.
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why i fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again..
I used to have superpowers but the psychiatrist took them away.
Don`t forget, If anyone asks we are a normal family.
Much of my life is a contest to see which of the voices in my head can say the funniest stuff.
did you notice when you yell "yo ugly" about 10 people turn around
I got this weird condition where I drink a case of beer and fall down.
Im afraid to go outside or even sit next to a window during an lightening storm. Im afraid that I`ll get zapped! I`m scared that God is gonna get me!!!
Putting on deoderant and colonge because you haven`t showered in days, is as about as useful as shutting the lid on a toilet after its overflowing.
I am upping my standards.. so up yours!
"I`ll drink to that." -me to my next drink
I lost 3 pounds over the weekend, but not to worry I found them lastnight at pizza hut
I was discussing with my friend about the popular trends on sex, marriage and values. He says to me, "I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" I replied. "I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?"