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Because of smart phones my thumbs now have biceps.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn`t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
If I was a Jedi there is a 100% chance that I would use the Force inappropriately.
"Why yes, I`d love to be a thousand pounds." – my brain when I see a box of donuts
Girlfriend said she felt she looked fat, tired, and ugly. Said she needed a compliment. I told her that her eyesight was nearly flawless.
Hoodie Footie Pajamas from Pajamagram; because nothing tells a girl you love her like giving her something to cover up her body from head to toe before she gets in your bed.
Dear Cashier: Stop giving me attitude and acting like your job is so complicated and stressful. Self-Checkout has proven that you are really unnecessary.
People go to the bar hoping for two things ... to get hammered or to get nailed.
As I was signing into my email account instead of yahoo.com I typed hayoo.com...nope, it wasn`t right but I got to thinking it would be quite appropriate, afterall, we`re trying to get someone`s attention, right?
Sometimes you have to flip out and go bat sh!t crazy to make a point.
Just so you know, when you repeat what you just said I won`t be listening then either.
I used to eat natural food, until I heard people were dying of natural causes
I’m a fan of saying YOU’RE WELCOME really loudly when people don’t thank you.
I accidentally opened the fitness app on my phone for the first time ever. It just began pointing at me & laughing.
I’m positive that somewhere out there exists a video montage of me dancing alone in various elevators.