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Exercise? More like extra fries.
So after an hour of playing Paper, Rock, Scissors, we decided to call it a tie. Good game, mirror!
All I ask is to one day live in a house with secret passages.
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching `Night at the Roxbury.` "Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?"
The only thing that makes me happy about the launch of a new model cell phone is that I can finally afford the previous model.
You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you’ve had?
Interviewer: Have any weaknesses? Me: Bullets I: No, I mean… M: Knives I: I don’t think y… M: probably evil dragons I: … M: Focusing.
She was rare, like an onion ring in french fries
my phone battery lasts longer than relationships this days !
You can call someone who makes prosthetics a professional body builder
What if your soulmate is over there on Twitter while you`re here on Facebook?
As you get closer and closer to the end of this status, I think it`s important that you lower your expectations.
Nothing says "I`ve already given up on this day" quite like a Taco Bell breakfast.
I just heard a woodpecker call me a `paranoid old weirdo` in morse code.
Whenever I want a klondike bar I just pay for it.