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My resolution last year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I`ve ever made.
I talked to my mom, and she said she probably hadn`t had sex with any of you guys. Damn dirty liars.
What do you mean I didn’t win, I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else.
This year for Lent I`m giving up hanging out with all the people who gave up drinking for Lent.
I`m an animal in bed. More specifically a koala. I can sleep for 22 hours a day.
Well, the people outside are frightful.
Camping is fun if you`re into pretending that you`re homeless.
I`m concerned my kids will end up in therapy because I didn`t tell everyone on FB how much I love them.
Trust me... You don`t want my undivided attention.
If my house is clean, it means that Facebook is not working.
People are like dogs: There`s always someone who loves you for you and there`s someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
If it`s true that spiders are more scared of me than I am of them, why have I never seen a spider crawl away screaming like a little girl?
No matter where you live, there’s always 1 light switch that doesn’t do anything.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.