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Spread happiness by smiling at a stranger today...or flash them your boobs. Strangers love boobs!
Hi, it’s me. I can’t get to the phone right now, even though it’s right here in my hand.
I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key
He died doing what he loved: telling me I`m overreacting.
When in doubt, take a nap.
Comcast is doing home security now so if your house is being robbed they will get the police there on Tuesday between the hours of 8 & 12.
Maybe it`s inappropriate for the first date but if there`s a maze on the menu I`m asking for crayons.
If you ever get a flat tire, take a picture of it on your phone so for future reference you can use it as a valid excuse.
You know that tingly feeling you get when you have a crush on someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.
It`s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
"There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU." Things I say to my kids when we`re in public.
I remember 2012 like it was yesterday.
The most impressive thing about how cowboys used to have showdowns at high noon is that they could get two people to be on time to something
Do short people start their childhood stories with "when I was little", too?