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"Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend--STOP SCREAMING, I`M ASKING THEM"
If you ever need anything please don`t hesitate to ask someone else first.
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out?
The best way to grill a chicken is to whack it with a rubber hose before you ask why it crossed the road..
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself." ~5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook.
Cant imagine the look on Obamas face when he saw `Olympus Has Fallen`..His next quote would have been.."No more Taiwans in the secret Elevetor office"
My kids are giving all the people on this airplane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
A house is not a home until you can find all light switches in the dark.
I’m alone in my car. Counting it as a vacation.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. "How`s it going?", "How about the weather?", "Where are your pants?".
I hate brushing my teeth at night because that signifies that you cant have anymore food and im just never ready for that kind of commitment
What`s wrong with having your mind in the gutter all the time?! If it weren`t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless!!!
Don’t you hate when the person you’re Facebook-stalking never updates anything.
I spend my weekends farting in libraries and then shushing people that complain.