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Good thing girls started uploading pictures next to a pool with the caption "Summer is finally here!" or we wouldn`t have known it`s summer.
Why hasn`t anyone invented a button next to the snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?
Todays Relationships: You can touch each other but not each others phones.
Chuck E. Cheese is just a casino for little kids.
If Wonder Woman and Spiderman went into business together would they call it Amazon Web Services?
Four words that I never want to hear: we`re out of beer
Ladies, life is short. So buy the shoes!
"Wife dragged me to this theater. Somebody shoot me." -Abraham Lincoln`s last Tweet.
Very excited to announce I`m on the market and actively looking for someone new to make me miserable
Hey people who say I am boring and not interesting; FYI the police just called saying they want to talk to me because I am "a person of interest"
Please tell me I’m not the only one who opens up their Hershey Kisses ever so gently so that the foil doesn’t tear.
Hey, how long are you supposed to chase someone after they steal your wallet? Cause I`m getting tired of running and he`s catching up to me.
I am having one of those days where my middle finger answers every question.
Jake from State Farm works some very crappy hours.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service, it`s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.