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Who needs dance lessons when you`ve got alcohol?!
I have a great relationship with Alcohol..
Women are always complaining that men are messy by leaving clothes layin around…..That’s because women take up all the closets
Internet dating: the odds are good but the goods are odd.
I hate that they put "use by" dates on condoms... like I`m not under enough pressure trying to get laid already.
People are so weird. You reach under the bathroom stall to tie their shoes and they freak out instead of saying thanks.
You know you`ve picked the right friends if no one has nominated you for the ice bucket challenge
Someone`s gotta break it to people under 25 that cameras can also point away from themselves.
What doesn`t kill you makes you have lots of hospital bills.
When I was on the plane the stewardess asked, do you need some headphones? I said, Hell Yeah, but how did you know my name was Phones?
For the record, you`ll need a turntable needle.
90% of adulthood is just deleting emails.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say "I think we lost them."
The name CONstitution sounds so negative. Since `pro` is the opposite of `con` we should call it prosti..... oh wait.
I keep a second pair of shoes at work, I don`t want people to recognize me when I`m pooping.