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So if one was to type ‘idiot’ into Google, would your picture come up?
Question : if you fart at the gym can people wearing headphones still smell it? Asking for a friend
Sometimes you can tell it’s going to be a bad day when someone you don’t like is smiling.
Note To Self: Even if someone really needs it, strangling them is still illegal.
I haven`t slept for three days, because that would be too long
Stairs are like rock climbing after a bottle of vodka.
Not all girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. I`m made of sarcasm, wine and everything fine.
I went to buy condoms and the cashier just said "yeah right" and put em back on the shelf
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words “The” and “IRS” together it spells “Theirs.”
If anyone is interested, I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 1:00 PM until I’m escorted out by security.
I can`t wait to find my soul mate so I can start sleeping on the couch.
I just changed my relationship status from “left hand” to “right hand”…
Life…it’s just an “F” in lie.
Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not a flow chart?
This movie has "adult content"? So, they`re gonna complain about back pains and setting up a 401k?