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Everytime I see “ROFL”… I think of Scooby Doo trying to say “waffle”.
I cant remember the last time i forgot something
If I was a mortician I`d tie the shoe laces of dead people together, so if there ever was a zombie apocalypse it would be hilarious.
New kitchen game: `Fridge and Cupboard Tetris`- Putting the possibility of being pummeled by a food avalanche on a whole new level of adventure.
A wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Can someone`s face be a pet peeve?
My favorite iOS7 feature is how it distracts me from the fact that I`m wasting my life poking a glass screen.
Baby gates are parents` way of saying "this area is locked until you’ve gained more experience."
These peopele at the gym are looking at me like they expect me to share my donuts ... SMH
Shout out to people wondering what the opposite of in is.
I just got an email telling me how I can have fuller, firmer breasts. I can`t wait to show them to my wife!!
I don’t care if it’s 1 A.M. I don’t consider it “tomorrow” until I wake up.
Sometimes I ask myself why do I stay up so late? Then I tell myself it`s none of my damn business.
Things that make you go Mmmmmmm - Duct Tape
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.