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I`ve done so much f*cked up sh!t while I was drunk that I have to drink to forget it all.
I try to get in at least 30 minutes of talking about exercise every day.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
I always shout "PIZZA`S HERE" so the delivery guy doesn`t think I`m eating two pizzas by myself.
I don’t understand the point of lap-dancing clubs. If I wanted a woman to take all my money and sexually frustrate me, I’d stay at home with the wife.
I have one question about Insanity, "Are we there yet"?
I always tell new hires, don`t think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend who can fire you`re ass
I`m kinda like an onion, not in some deep I have layers way, but if you see me naked, you`ll cry.
Every Instagram caption should just be, "ARE YOU JEALOUS OF MY LIFE YET??"
Sometimes I like to lie in bed, stare at the ceiling and think what it would be like to stare at other ceilings.
I don`t care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper place mats with puzzles...GAME ON!!
This is 2016. How come I can`t email someone a fart when I feel like it?
It`s really difficult to find what you want on eBay. I was searching for cigarette lighters and found over 15,000 matches...
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
If my grandmother were alive today, I`m pretty sure she`d still have her blinker on.