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Someone asked me why I use the "F" bomb so much. What the F*ck is an "F" bomb?
State of mind is in no mind to state its state of mind.
Has anyone donated any money to ALS? All these ice bucket challenges I been seeing makes me think ... you all some cheap bastards
Nothing says "high-functioning alcoholic" like being really good at darts.
My apartment is so dirty that I actually lost my last girlfriend to the 5 second rule.
It`s not their fault, per se, but at some point, Crayola has to be held responsible for continuing to make crayons nostril-width.
About to stick a pin in your voodoo doll.... Brace yourself.
A bachelor party is a lot more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
There`s a bald spot in my yard so I`m gonna let the grass grow around it really long and then do a comb over.
You know it`s getting bad when the voices in your head start texting you
I don’t want to rule the world… Just everything within a hundred square mile radius.
I think I may be getting harder to love.
"Iyam A. Wii Todd" <-- Bet you can say that name out loud, in a crowded place, and really fast!
I have always wanted to start a brand of Christian themed lollipops and call them Catho-licks.
A 5 year old asked me what marriage is like. So I gave him a chocolate bar and told him not to eat it.