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I`ve done so much f*cked up sh!t while I was drunk that I have to drink to forget it all.
is available for rebound sex.
Today, A 12 year-old came up to me and said "May I please have a cigarette?". I can`t believe kids this age are already so polite.
I thought I was on the cash cab show! But turns out I was in a police car and cops hate trivia.
Pain makes you stronger. Tears make you braver. A broken heart makes you wiser. And alcohol makes you not remember any of that sh!t.
Next time you are in a restaurant, give this a thought. The fork you are using has been in the mouth of hundreds of people. Now look at the people eating right by you. Scary, right?
If I`m in your house and you have bookshelves... Be prepared to see me turning statues and bending down books while looking for your lair.
I never said I hated you. I just said that if you where on fire, I would consider roasting marshmallows. Big difference.
Why would I dance like nobody`s watching? People need to see this.
I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you... the more you have the longer you live.
Starting tomorrow: Whatever Life throws at me… I’m gonna duck so it hits someone else.
Typical: you have nothing to wear for a party and suddenly the rabbits, the birds and the mice begin to sew you a dress
People keep thinking that I care ... Wierd.
I`ve given up on giving up.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there`s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.