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I bet Waldo`s parents are worried sick.
I’ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
Life is what happens when your cell phone is charging.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life`s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Sometimes I think if it weren`t for the gutter my mind would be homeless...
Would you like to donate $1 to this charity or leave the checkout line feeling like human scum?
There are now 4 sides to every story. Yours, mine, the truth & the Internets version.
I`m changing my facebook username to NOBODY so that way when people post crappy posts, and i press the like button it will say NOBODY likes this
Good thing Jan Brady`s older sister wasn`t named Beetlejuice
When I`m on my deathbed, I`m definitely going to ask if I can be moved to a different bed.
Don`t pick on Aquaman! The crime rate underwater is pretty damn low the last time I checked.
Did you know? If you were to watch all of the Saw films, it would take you 666 minutes?
Hard liquor because I don`t don`t have time or patience to sit around drinking 9 bottles of wine every day
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
And suddenly those annoying neighbors that leave their Christmas lights up all year long look like geniuses.