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Sometimes I think, "Screw this, I will just be a stripper." Then I remember I am fat and I can`t dance.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
I realized I eat too much fast food so I decided I would start cooking for myself. Does anyone here know how to "mcnugget" a chicken?
You know it`s way past your bed time when the 1-800-dial-a-hoe commercials come on.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!! A cure for hangovers WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!! Please stop yelling
I always wrap someone`s fist bump with my high five because paper beats rock.
I ran into a dwarfs car this morning and he come up to me and said "I`m not happy!" And I said we`ll which one are you then
For the record, giving someone the creeps for Christmas is technically not a gift.
I want to live in a world where the Food Network delivers.
I just devoured a six inch from Subway and I`m still not satisfied. I get it ladies. I get it.
Jail is just the government`s way of sending you to your room.
I`d like to have a child one day ... Two days, tops.
Well if you didn`t want me to fall in love with you, why did you tell me you had nachos?
Lets just skip the fight and go right to the make-up sex.
Ever notice how many friends you have when you pull out a pack of gum?