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If every social website was set up to look like a spreadsheet, pretending to work would be so much easier for me.
My wife says "YOU`RE DRUNK!" like it is a bad thing.
All my bills say "outstanding", I guess that means I`m good to go!
Barbie has an awful lot of things for a girl who`s knees don`t bend.
Don`t act like your not impressed.
I finally got some "me time" being away from the kids. Two whole hours. Would have gotten more, but my knees started getting numb from crouching behind the dryer.
My favorite sexual position is pretty much any of them. I`m just glad to be involved.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
About to stick a pin in your voodoo doll.... Brace yourself.
The mechanic asked if I wanted my tires rotated and I was like, "No thanks, I`m pretty sure they do that all by themselves while I`m driving"
I just assume that when a restaurant automatically adds 15% to the bill for a tip that the service is going to suck.
You make me feel "I`m-typing-this-with-my-middle-finger" angry.
If I had a time machine, I`d just keep going back every 8-9 hours so I could sleep more.
As long as I remind myself "The b!tch had it coming" is not a valid court defense, I`ll be ok
Can you LIKE this status with your elbow? (no cheating)